I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
