she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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