Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
