She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
soo... how was my night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
