I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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