There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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