I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
