Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize