Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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