yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize