I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
