she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
