Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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