the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
