Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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