Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
