I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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