my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize