the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
