I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
