Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
