my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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