Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize