you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize