You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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