I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Green mimosas i think yes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
