I can text with my tongue
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
