Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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