Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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