I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
