when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm like, not good at living.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
