youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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