what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
