Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All I want is dick and wine.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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