I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize