There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
