you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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