im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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