WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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