I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
