Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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