You're so nebulous sometimes
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
