my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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