i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
