I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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