My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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