I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
