She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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