I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
