I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
