My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
