I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
