I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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