I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
