his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
