theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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