I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
