I just pynch a tree in the face
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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