Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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