today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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