I want to have your abortion
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize