My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
