That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize