Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
