Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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