I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
