can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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