Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize