Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
