For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
