Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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