Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
