The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
