Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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