my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So much rum. So many feels.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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