the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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