Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I still have a little drunk in my system
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
