normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
